i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
