jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize