Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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