Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
