Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
