Welp...herpes.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
