Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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