so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize