She's JV to your varsity
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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