I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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