i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
