i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
