dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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