She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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