life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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