Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
