It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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