hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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