I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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