just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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