The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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