It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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