so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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