If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
