A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
