I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
