How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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