He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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