I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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