oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
