i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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