Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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