You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
