there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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