I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
