if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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