Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Randomize
