you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
