I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
