If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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