i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
