You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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