Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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