Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize