i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
