dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
