Tell her she can't have a vagina
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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