i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
