She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
