I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
