You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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