i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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