everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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