Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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