Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
