just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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