when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's like heaven, but drunker
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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