My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
