a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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