just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
