he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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